


Right Here

by ashxtodd



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, M/M, Relationship Study, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28568448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashxtodd/pseuds/ashxtodd
Summary: Love had always been described as happy, beautiful and carefree and because of which Killua ultimately made up his mind that it was fictional, because those things just realistically weren't possible - especially not in the cruel world they lived in. Killua had grown up facing the horrors of the world everyday, so concepts of love just didn’t exist to him.It was funny really. Well, it was more like the world laughing at him, because then came Gon Freecss and Killua Zoldyck fell in love.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Right Here

For Killua Zoldyck, "love" wasn't actually anything he cared about or even believed in. To him it was just a concept made by other humans to pretend that the temporary happiness they were feeling was forever. Though, that didn't stop him from hearing the word more times than he would've liked.

Love had always been described as happy, beautiful and carefree and because of which Killua ultimately made up his mind that it was fictional, because those things just realistically weren't possible - especially not in the cruel world they lived in. Killua had grown up facing the horrors of the world everyday, so concepts of love just didn’t exist to him. 

It was funny really. Well, it was more like the world laughing at him, because then came Gon Freecss and Killua Zoldyck fell in love. Gon was everything Killua was not, yet they somehow understood each other. Maybe it was because they were the same age, but looking back Killua thinks it might be because of the  _ loneliness _ instead. In their own ways they were both lonely. It was the type of loneliness that you felt even if you were surrounded by people. No one else could understand. But together, the loneliness didn't feel as suffocating. 

They were both using each other, Killua knew. He knew not to get too attached too, but every time smiled and said those disgustingly sweet comments about Killua, Killua felt himself forgetting more and more about that. 

Slowly, before Killua even realized it, he was blindly following Gon. Maybe it was the case since the beginning, he really isn't sure, but slowly he knows it got more noticable. Whatever Gon would decide, Killua would try to knock some sense into him, but it was Gon who always managed to convince him somehow. 

Killua Zoldyck did many things for Gon Freecss. He doesn't regret any of them. 

Maybe he should've. Maybe he should've resented Gon. Yet he didn't. He doesn't think he ever could. 

He knows why too. 

Gon was a star. He was so beautiful, so elegant even if no one else could ever describe him that way. In his own words, Gon was (his) light and he shone so bright. In comparison Killua was nothing. It didn’t matter though. He adored Gon. 

Killua Zoldyck was a killer. He knew that. Killua never gave it much thought, not until Gon came into his life and he hated what he was. But Gon? He never cared anything about that. Gon freed him - but had he really? Because Killua remembers being trapped in Gon Freecss’ orbit and not minding one bit. 

Killua Zoldyck is a liar and Gon Freecss accepted him either way. Maybe that's why his feelings towards Gon have always been complicated. Always making him live on the edge of insanity.  _ Gon, Gon, Gon. _ That's all his brain could ever think about ever since he met Gon. Gon and his ridiculously stupid outfit and hair. Gon and his fishing rod. Gon and his golden eyes that shined so bright, always so hopeful, always so beautiful. There was a light behind those eyes that always blinded Killua every time he looked too long. For a while he was thankful he couldn't look for too long. Until that came to a screeching halt. 

That night. That night in the woods when he found Gon - he was in utter disbelief. As simple as that. Because the man standing in front of him wasn't the same Gon he fell in love with. It was someone who was so utterly broken that they didn't have anything left fighting for. When Gon said his name, barely a whisper, it was as if Gon was ready to let go of everything and honest to God that scared Killua a lot - because the unspoken words were undeniably there, it was Gon’s way of saying goodbye. He knows. Death itself had never been something he'd been scared of until that split moment when Pitou's body moved to kill Gon. It was in the split second moment Killua realized he was in love with Gon. 

It was then when he realized love wasn't what he'd heard at all. It was painful. And when Gon looked at him one last time without anything but despair in those eyes, Killua felt just as broken. 

Killua Zoldyck wasn't lonely. He realized that when Gon left. He had a sister after all and he loved her to death. Still, that didn't stop the hole in his heart to be unbearably painful. When he and Gon said their goodbyes with smiles that were clearly fake, Killua wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and hold Gon Freecss’ hands and stay with him forever. But that wasn't what Gon wanted and they both knew it. Instead he restrained and tried to adapt. 

Years later when Killua Zoldyck and Gon Freecss united, Gon had that same smile on his face like he did when they first met and Killua couldn't help but let the dam break. 

Killua Zoldyck didn't want to get hurt, but it became increasingly hard to remember that when Gon looked at him like he was worth a billion stars. Instead he let himself wear his heart on his sleeve, awaiting to get his heart broken. 

This time he realized how painful it was. 

This time he wanted Gon Freecss to do it all over again, because Gon was Gon and Killua was Killua, no matter what, Killua couldn’t run away from his feelings for Gon even if he always knew they would never be requited. 

Maybe it was the rush of adrenaline and giddiness he got when Gon was around him. Maybe. 

But most importantly it was the happiness he got when Gon was with him. 

It was temporary. He knew that well. 

But he needed it. He’d pretend it was forever, just for a while. He needed to feel it again. 

He was ready for Gon Freecss to break his heart over and over again, as long as he wouldn’t leave again. 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for writing this, it was 3AM and I was lowkey projecting onto Killua and I know how toxic I made their relationship, but this is kind of a vent fic guys, really sorry. Writing this made me cry, so again, I'm really sorry for writing this, i love these two but well,,,yeah idk either. I know none of this made sense, I was sleep deprived 
> 
> This is so OOC, idc, it's been rotting in my WIPs for too long, so I posted it
> 
> lmao anyway here is my [twitter](https://twitter.com/ashxtodd), give me clout


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